HAF and her man just left. We watched Kung Fu Hustle. Della and Lily have been snarling at each other all day. So much for the “they will entertain each other” theory.
I could post about Islam or the cross-cultural marriage thing, but I’ve been thinking about it too much and the implications are too borderline to really bear consideration.
The husband was working, but now he’s probably hanging out with his friends. Which is fine in theory. Everyone knows we have very different tastes. Except I look at HAF and her relationship. Her man is just pretty happy to be where ever she is. I wonder what it would be like to be adored like that. I don’t doubt that the husband loves me, but it isn’t like I can do no wrong as far as he is concerned.
I tell myself about Ranier Maria Rilke and his assertion that couples in love ought to be like pots in seperate plants. It is only with totally different root systems that two people manage to stay themselves. Otherwise, one must always choke out the other. I can see the reasoning behind the theory. But the practice? It is okay. People’s assumptions about what it means that I’m not the first place my husband wants to be, given a free moment… I’m getting used to those. Not having his incessant TV to fill up the rooms with strangers with drama, I’m okay with that. Even a Saturday night to not have to worry about making sure he’s getting along with people that I like, or being bored with his friends that talk to eachother in Arabic, but never to me. None of these things fall into my “ideal” list.
Sometimes I feel totally subliminated. Is this what I get for deciding to keep a man that doesn’t need me at all? Or is this the price you pay for having an internal life that isn’t moored, not even a little bit?
Yeah, but lets remember: talk about what it would mean to have him out of my life and see what happens. Nervous breakdown of spectacular proportions, and that’s just the beginning.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I’m almost getting used to it.