Today has been a useless day. Thus far, I have:
*Read other people’s blogs.
*Read gossip magazines.
*Read Rolling Stone.
*Written to J. about being emotionally crippled.
*Not gone to the bathroom, though I noticed I needed to go about three hours ago.
*Not noticed my ass going numb, until now.
And I am thinking of things that I am afraid of:
*Losing my boundaries.
*Becoming one of those self-important thirty-something girl bloggers that think that a lack of capitalization means that they are deep, or tragic, or far more insouciant than they are.
*That the thirty-something girl bloggers as above really are having loads of sex while I distinctly am not. I wonder if all that sex is fun, or if it just ends up a little sordid and pointless.
*Falling back in love and this time so deep it really does ruin me this time instead of nearly ruining me like it did the last time.
*My ambivalence – both my position in the world and how I feel about it, all neither here nor there.
*Being profoundly average. See note above.
*How comfortable I am with the fact that I have no idea what comes next, nor what I wish would come next.
*Not writing, and how completely it is that I am not writing.
I’ll dig into being profoundly emotionally crippled some other time.
For now, I think I’ll actually make my way to the restroom. But first: how funny is it that the blogging software doesn’t recognize blog in its spell-check?