The corollary of the contingency theory, where everything matters, is that nothing does. If our direction is decided by the nudges we get careening along, then those nudges are meaningless if they all mean something at the same weight – even if they don’t necessarily mean the same thing. So the inane philosophy of “everything is everything” becomes as apt of a descriptor for this as anything else. Getting out is just as hard as staying in, except that it opens up your options for getting neck-deep in some other mess too. Either option is defined by “in.” In the same way that hating Christianity is the same as being a devout christian. Either way, your argument is defined by Christianity. As far as you go to one side, you might as well go that far to the other. At least in the negative. Not caring is the closest you can come to freeing yourself from the dialectic.
Tangent: A quote from urban dictionary on “everything is everything” “you will deal equally with everything within your cipher, which gives birth to wisdom that is showing and proving. Everything is everything, which equals one. Equality gives birth to wisdom, and mathematics do not lie.”
And I can’t walk myself to not caring. So fighting to get out is the same as fighting to get in, at least to the degree that both acts keep me tangled. In this way, both efforts are sides of the same coin – but the coin always defines the parameters.
On the periphery of my thinking about this, I can almost see how his silence is at least as strong of a declarative statement of his being “in” as my talking is. At least philosophically, I can conceptualize it. Emotionally, of course, that horse won’t run.
There is nothing I can do. I can sit, I can observe, I can make quilts as a bizarre form of lukasa (an African map to memory – usually in a board) (I just give them away). But I can’t change this into something that satisfies. I can’t will my life back in a tangible way, and there is something frustrating about the uselessness of having this thing that is a major part of me with out the physical manifestation.
My dreams all tell me to slow down. I mean WAY down – like you can dodge bullets by simply looking at them carefully. None of my other divinations seem to work.