I don’t pray much. Alternately, I pray all the time. Just not in the “Dear Jesus” format I learned at church.
Unless I lose my keys, or a piece of jewelry, and then I’ll catch myself praying like I did when I was six.
Other than that, it is an ongoing conversation with Neal. Sometimes I write him letters; mostly I thank him for three things that I’m incredibly grateful for. And then I beg him to expand my neutrality. Please, please my darling, deeply missed Neal, please expand my neutrality.
Because your emotional energy is a gift. It is an investment. It’s a resource that you spend and you can’t get back. And I find myself constantly getting worked up about things that are temporary, situations that I won’t remember the details of next month, people that I don’t know enough about to make a reasonable assessment about whether or not *this* person is the one I want to give the gift of my caring, my concern, my fundamental give a shit. You get a limited supply of give-a-shit. There is only so much allocated to one lifetime. I know this because my father spent it all a long time ago and now he doesn’t care who he pisses off when giving his best professional advice. Generals, Executives, the people that sign his check… Nope. He spent his give-a-shit elsewhere, years ago.
I’d like to conserve mine. Hence, the begging for neutrality.
So that’s today’s conversation with myself. Take your own advice. Operate from a place of neutrality. Be as careful with your emotional investment as you are with your money. More careful. Because wherever you invest your emotions, that’s what you’ll see grow.
Please Neal, please. The glass isn’t half full or half empty. It’s just a glass with some water in it. There’s more water to be had, somewhere. Another glass if you break that one. There are optimists and pessimists, can I be a neutralist?