You will never get where you want to be by trying harder.
Try to float and you sink.
Trying to forgive isn’t forgiveness.
Trying to show up isn’t showing up.
Trying to eat healthy just means that you’re eating crap and feeling bad about it.
Trying to be patient isn’t patience.
And you certainly cannot try your way into Om.
Trying is a word that sits between the poles of success and failure, and assumes that one can, through sheer effort of will, walk closer to success and put a greater distance between yourself and failure. There is no trying, there is only doing or not doing. Allowing or refusing.
One of the hallmarks of depression is a heightened awareness of how little control you have over your life. It is also a gift. As you crawl out from underneath the black cloud, in theory you regain a sense of control over your world and your experience of it.
Alternately, you come to the conclusion that control is an illusion, and things like sunshine and thunderstorms and creme brulee are comprised of grace. You can’t earn your way to them, you can’t want it bad enough. My wanting can’t extend backwards to make the genius that invented creme brulee work harder at perfecting custard. Someone did. That’s it. And that I can experience it is nothing short of evidence that the Universe is benevolent. Certainly there is no requirement of physics that there should be raspberries. Or poetry. Or good dreams. Or even love. Love is not required for the furthering of the species.
I don’t know why there’s grace. It certainly isn’t promised or required and it isn’t the kind of thing that you can try your way into. It just is. You can either accept and be grateful or refuse and carry on with trying.
To question whether or not you’ve earned grace is just silly. Of course you didn’t earn it.
You are loved. It is impossible to earn love. If you could, don’t you think we’d all choose to be good enough to avoid heartbreak? You can’t make someone love you, no matter how hard you try. You can’t make someone stop loving you either. You can work real hard at breaking their trust or hurting them so badly that they have no choice but to walk away, but love is love. It either is or it isn’t. Like the way a tornado can be there one second and evaporate the next with no explanation or apology.
It’s better this way. Capricious, but better.
If you have to be good enough for love, then any slip means that your status can be taken away.
And maybe whoever loves you won’t love you forever. It happens. But what a gift for as long as it is given. Your job is not to hold on, or to try to hold on; your job is to accept and wonder and be grateful.
There is no trying in Om.
I know. I tried to try my way into it for a long time. I tried to try my way into the Four Agreements. It didn’t work. Try implies a gap between yourself and the thing. and then, if you’re lucky, you slip from a state of not understanding into understanding and you realize that you never had to try, you just had to allow.